…vs My Brain

9 05 2017

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With it being Mental Health Awareness Week, I guess now is a good a time as any to ramble on about my past year. In fact, it was probably longer than a year- I just put off dealing with whatever my brain was telling me, and not telling me.

Last October I think I pretty much had my very own breakdown. It was at 2/3am. I remember sitting on my bed in some weird position crying, having a panic attack after panic attack. I was at war with my head. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t switch off. Nothing maintained my attention. I was starting to worry about myself. Prior, I just didn’t care. I went to the doctor and after a few minutes I was told to do a self-referral for treatment. I put this off for a few weeks, then stopped being a stubborn dick and did it.

Now I care more than I did. I went to the doctor a second time earlier this year, as my referral for CBT was going to be some time- the second stage of it. I made no improvements with the first lot. Labelled as having severe anxiety and mild depression. Labels are for foodstuffs- I’m not for consumption. Things shouldn’t define a person, just like their actions always shouldn’t. In this case, I wasn’t going to let this be something that ruled who I was and my life- enough was enough. I went to my doctor. She looked at me and asked how she could help. I cried. I broke down like a child and cried. I said “I can’t cope.” Finally admitting to myself that I couldn’t hack whatever was going on in my head.

As someone who can’t take paracetamol without assuming the worse, I had to resign myself to the fact that at this stage- I probably needed something other than talking. I agreed to take medication. Since starting the medication in late February, I am pretty sure that every side effect I had (I had them all) has been worth it. I’d rather have continuous dry mouth than have another fucking panic attack. The side effects have virtually gone. I do have days where I get this really bad pain in my stomach or the occasional headache, but I’d take that over how I was and what I was putting myself through. Or rather, what my brain was putting me through. I had my assessment for my second stage of CBT. I was being asked questions that weren’t relevant and being asked to focus on things that I really don’t need to. I felt as if I had to say what they wanted, and I didn’t want to be made to bring things up that don’t need to be. So I discharged myself. I decided rather than waste their time (and mine) I would give up my place for someone else who needs it more than me. I tried, and for me, that’s the main thing. But it just wasn’t for me.

Everyone bangs on about it, but support is key. I’ve got a handful of people that I know have my back and are there for me. Just like I am there for them. It also helps having a girlfriend who has a similar shit sleeping pattern so I have someone at 1am when I can’t sleep and everything seems too much. She’s my rock, and I try my hardest to be hers.

Music has been a massive help for me. We went to see Banks in March, and for me I think that was the point where I solidly felt okay. At one point going to gigs was just overwhelming. Going to work was overwhelming. Not because I hate my job or anything like that- far from it. But the effort of having to get out of bed and the overwhelming feeling of being on a packed train. My brain was slowly failing me. Or maybe I was failing myself for not taking better care. Music has been my other rock. Certain songs (which I’ll link below) have played a massive part in my brain healing and keeping me calm. I go the gym during the week after work to allow myself to take care of my body as well as my mind.

My bad days now don’t feel near as half as bad as they once were. I don’t have to fake being alright because I genuinely feel just fine at the moment. I’m not thinking long-term because that shit is scary. If I can get through one day without feeling terrible, I’m fine. My last panic attack was on the 2nd March. It’s been two months. I still feel a little shitty at times and certain things at the moment are fucking tough but, you can’t control everything.

I am not brave, I am not tough. All I did was reach breaking point. All I did was let myself get worse before I realised something needed to be done.

I’m alright. I’m happy with that. I’m alright.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





THE KILLS: Roundhouse. 7th October 2016

8 10 2016


The thing about the aftermath of a gig is the comedown that ruins you. For those couple of hours when you’re crammed in a room full of people who are there with the same motives and thoughts as you is comforting. It becomes your own little world. A world you normally create within the walls of your mind, and in your bedroom. For those few hours you’re not on your own, you feel like you’re home. That’s the power and that’s the beauty of live music. It gives us all a place.

The Roundhouse is a venue I’ve never really felt anything towards. I’m not into big venues. I last went there last year to see Patti Smith and I had a great time. Last night, I saw The Kills on the last date of their UK tour. Was it the best place to see them? Yes. Easily. I saw them 8 days before on the opening night of the tour in Manchester, and even though they’ve been on the road for so long, their show last night looked as if they were just getting started.

Their set is made up of tender moments such as when Alison rests her head on Jamie’s shoulder at the end of Pots And Pans. To when he glides over to her holding his gun like a weapon, then facing it onto the crowd. The way they look at each other, the way they scale the crowd with their eyes, how Jamie is easily the best guitarist I’ve ever seen, how Alison bends her body backwards during Whirling Eye and you think she’s about to snap, how Alison stalks the stage- all these moments and more lock you in. You know where to look. But are you aware of how it’s going to make you feel?
There is something truly, truly special about seeing your favourite band live. Being at the front and one of them look at you as they sing a song you love. You wish you could thank them for these moments- so, I guess writing this is my thank you. Eyes locked and a line from Hard Habit To Break is sung at me. Aware but unaware. I can keep that moment locked somewhere forever.
The set is similar to Manchester but along the way they’ve added songs- they added Love Is A Deserter and Let It Drop. I hadn’t given much attention to Let It Drop, but sometimes when you witness a song live, it changes your view on it. The lyrics are great, and I’m not sure why I’ve not played it as much as others off Ash & Ice.

Let’s go back to the tender moments of the show. For the encore, Alison takes to the stage to perform That Love. A heartbreaker of a song, but if your mind is in a rut, play it and it will help. Trust me. I mean, you’ll cry but that’s okay. What comes after That Love? The Last Goodbye. I’ve always had a hard time listening to that song, and for a period of time when Blood Pressures came out, that song meant the world to me. It in a sense, became my world. For sentimental reasons, that record was my glue for a long time. I thought seeing it live would just break my heart. I’m not in that place anymore, so why would it? Because the lyrics are gorgeous. I don’t know where Alison goes in her mind when she sings this, but there’s no way I could do it. Despite all that, it was truly a beautiful song to finally see live. The lyrics are just beautiful, and the care and feeling that is within them is mind blowing.
The set ends with Sour Cherry. The perfect song to end on (check the lyrics.) But you just don’t want it to be over. It is over far too soon. You feel as if it has just started, and it is done.

The Kills are a band that have no bounds with regard to who is a fan of theirs or who goes to their shows. There is a beautiful mixture of people at their shows irrespective of age, gender, race etc. There’s just nothing there to pin point what kind of person loves this band, and that shows the power they have. It’s amazing to be part of, and as mentioned many times before, being in that moment where it’s just you, them and others who love them as much as you- it makes nothing matter. All that matters is the music.

The gentle songs like Echo Home break your heart (the lyrics are perfect) are intertwined with rowdy limb flailing Whirling Eye to U.R.A Fever. When you think you know what you’re going to get, they upper cut you and you are constantly left in awe. Your head is swimming, jaw on the floor and you want more, and more. I could quite happy watch them play every night and cling on to this feeling as tight as I possibly can. There’s no replica for this. You can’t substitute it for something else.
Your favourite band will always be your world. Live music will always be a way to escape whatever you need, and part of the escapism is finding something you need. And when you get it, cling. Cling. The Kills are medicine for the mind, body and soul. They create moments for you to live in. You feel powerful with their words ringing in your ear. Everyone does mention this bond they have, and it is truly one of the most beautiful things you’ll ever see. 

I could quite happily write thousands and thousands of words about them and their live shows, but words don’t do any of it justice at all.

*all photos from the show are mine.





THE KILLS: Albert Hall, Manchester. 29th September 2016.

30 09 2016

I’ve had next to no sleep so what you are about to read is the ramblings of someone who has trouble sleeping at the best of times, but this time it is coming from a better place. 
In 2003 I remember vividly sitting in my room with my ears pressed again my stereo. Not too loud because I had school the next day and of course, I didn’t want my mum to know I was still awake. I was listening to a John Peel show and he had a band called The Kills doing a session. They did Gypsy Death & You, and I was hooked. A few years later I would name this blog after that. And over the years, that song became my crutch. It still is. I saw them live in 2008 at The Sugarmill in Stoke. I was right at the front and my mind was blown and I was in a daze as I looked up at the two people I absolutely idolise. Move forward 8 years and after missing out in the years between due to circumstances out of my hands, I saw them last night in Manchester.
The setlist was perfect. They are perfect and this was easily one of the best shows I’ve ever seen. It’s the way they look at each other, it’s the way Alison bends herself in a way that makes you think she’s going to snap, it’s the way Jamie holds his guitar like a machine gun and aims at us. It’s the way that they put everything into it and you cannot help but stare at them in awe. You just don’t know who to watch.


There’s so much importance within their songs for me and it’s the songs that you can probably say, saved a life a few times. Their music has been keeping me sane for well over a decade and from them, I’ve learnt that you just need one person on your side and all is alright.
There’s a moment in the set where Jamie stands at the front with his guitar and at the end, Alison lovingly kisses his shoulder and it’s moments like this that make you see just how beautiful their friendship is. He walks up to her as she sings, strutting with his guitar in a way that looks like a big brother endearingly winding up their little sister. They look at each other with an emotion that not everyone gets to experience, and when you do- you just know.
The setlist is perfect, it truly is. In an ideal world they would play each record from start to finish and I’d just stand all day watching them, ha. Their is a brilliant mix of all 5 records, and hearing Dead Road 7 live is something that leaves you with goosebumps all over. 
For the encore, Alison takes to the stage on her own and does That Love. I remember when I got my copy of the new record, Ash & Ice and before I played it, I read the lyrics. I had the record next to me to place on my record player, and I sat and studied the lyrics first. I always do this. I read the lyrics to That Love and instead of playing it all in order, I went straight for that song. The words meant something at the time and gave me something I needed. This can be said for a lot of their songs. To hear it stripped back like this was truly gorgeous and we got to see just how strong her voice is. 

There is something special about the way they perform Siberian Nights and Fried My Little Brains. It just leaves you again, with goosebumps all over and the inability to speak afterwards. They are truly mind-blowing to watch, for so many reasons. Songs like Tape Song and Black Balloon give you courage and the beauty in Baby Says just leaves you frozen. 


As I watched Alison stalk the stage like a lioness waiting on their prey, and how she moves across the stage looking at the crowd-how she performs reminds me so much of the greats such as Iggy Pop, Patti Smith. The ones who are fearless and captivating. I looked at Jamie and all I could think was, “you make it look so easy.” And again, I just wished I could play the guitar. His machine gun stance and her prowling are just the perfect combination. It goes beyond music, it always has. Their shows are made up of moments that the person watching will take with them forever. Moments that become so sacred to them. At times you also feel you are looking in on something private yet exposed at their shows, and I think that it part of what lures you in and makes you unsure of where to look. They don’t need to engage with small talk to the crowd, they really don’t. Their music and the looks on their faces do it all. That for me, makes them tower over most. That for me just explains everything I love about them. The music says it all. Always has, always will. It’s just so powerful and enthralling.

At 1am this morning, after waiting in the rain since the show ended and after waiting 13 years- I met Alison Mosshart. I didn’t by no means get to tell her what I wanted/needed to, and maybe one day in the future our paths will cross again and I can tell her. But I met her. I met the person I have looked up to for so long, and when this happens something inside of you changes. The same feeling I got when I met Patti Smith hit me-but without the ugly crying. For me, this show had so much sentimental value for reasons you, dear reader, you don’t need to know. Maybe you already know why. I could write so much more about last night, but I’ll save it up for the next show.

Meet your heroes. Go watch them play. I’m seeing The Kills again a week today in London. The first and last show. My brain will be fried once more.

*photos of the show taken by me. 





THE KILLS: Kissy Kissy

7 09 2016

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For the past few days I’ve constantly had Kissy Kissy in my head by The Kills. Maybe it’s because my mind has slowly caught up with the fact that I’m seeing them in a couple of weeks. First stop will be Manchester- the first night of their UK tour, followed by their London date which is the last date of the tour. I am more than happy for someone to fund me doing the whole tour. My ultimate dream has always been to follow a band on tour and write about it. But I’m not William Miller. This isn’t Almost Famous. It’s just a 29 year old with a wasted dream. Get in line. So, with Kissy Kissy firmly placed in my head I thought I would write about why it’s in my Top 10 songs by The Kills. I don’t have a solid list, but I know for sure that Kissy Kissy is right up there.

For me, part of my love for Jamie and Alison is the aggression in their sound. The way Jamie can make his guitar sound like a machine gun and Alison can snarl her way through some of their most rowdy songs has always left my mind blown and my heart firmly out of my body, flailing on the floor whilst taking its last few beats. Their music means THAT much to me. From hearing their first record around 13/14 years ago to now getting stupidly excited when I hear Impossible Tracks. It goes beyond being just a love for a band. It’s most definitely a crutch, and one I am not ashamed to lean on. I probably go to music before a person. Then I go to a person, and listen to some music. I like to get different opinions. With The Kills I’ve always felt like I’ve found some form of home there. I like things to be unorganised and a bit rough. That’s how I like my music- a complete opposite of me. I want the aggression, the fury and the rage. I want it all blasting in my ears. Kissy Kissy sums up all of that, and really for me, sums up the sound of The Kills. The guitar and the drum machine ricochet like a gun. The verses are repeated like bullets being reloaded. It’s the perfect song to unleash any frustration to. Getting out that anger that someone causes you is sometimes a good thing. Me? I don’t. I won’t ever raise my voice and I’ll avoid confrontation. I’ll just go home and play The Damned. Kissy Kissy.

The intro sounds like a snake winding it’s way towards you, the drum machine has this gripping tick tock sound. It feels like Jamie and Alison are coming for you, and everything is closing in on you. Tick tock, goes that irritating clock on the wall. You’re so sure it is moving too fast. Tick tock. Tick..fucking tock.

Some may regard the lyrics as being too repetitive or having no depth. Don’t listen to them. The Kills have never ever needed to fall in line with pretentious words to conjure up anything in the mind. They go beyond you seeing things in your mind, they make you feel it in your body. You feel as if you’re living the songs. If you walk down the street listening to Future Starts Slow or Fuck The People you feel instantly cooler than you are. You feel something quite powerful. Do it.

The way they sing “It’s been a long time coming” that sounds so beautifully sinister. A lot of their earlier songs have this sinister feel to them, as if they are coming for you. Just lurking in the corners until you slip up- then they pounce upon you. As if there could be anything better than that. A lot of their songs do hold a sentimental value to me, and I can easily relate them to a time or place. But with Kissy Kissy, it just seems to be always in my head on a loop. The way the guitars and drum machines sound ferocious and their vocals match this in a way I’ve not really heard before, it just makes me feel like I’m hearing the song for the first time every single time I play it.

I love that they still have it in their setlist, I can’t imagine a show by them without this song being played. The live version of Kissy Kissy is incredible and taints how you hear it on record. They let themselves go completely and the way the words are snarled and the way the guitar unleashes this beautiful burning rage leaves you wishing you could compose something like that. It is songs like Kissy Kissy that just reinforce my love for Jamie and Alison, over and over again. Certain songs by them I go back to just to reinforce my love for them, and Kissy Kissy is easily one of them.

From looking at recent setlists, I’ve got a handful of songs that I cannot wait to witness live and I’m pretty sure that Kissy Kissy is going to be one of the ones I’ll remember until my memory fails me. There’s something so powerful and so raw about it. So typically Alison. So typically Jamie. The way they look at each other when they sing it, the way Jamie struts with his guitar as if it is a weapon. The way Alison throws herself around with her guitar and spews out the words. The way they sing the song together. Everything, just everything about it- I cannot get enough. The song whirls around my head most days and I’m more than happy with it staying there. It feels like it could be in a blood bath scene in a violent film or it can be equally at home in my head. It was one of the first songs I ever remember hearing by them, and it is one of the great moments on their debut, Keep On Your Mean Side. Just under 6 minutes long, Kissy Kissy is a timeless and rebellious anthem for us outcasts. Stay on the outside and play it loud.





THE KILLS-Ash & Ice.

9 06 2016

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“We were dancing to a beat of our own, flying with our speakers blown.”

 

For the past week I’ve been constantly listening to Ash & Ice by The Kills. Today I can finally listen to it properly on my record player which I carried up a hill to get home in this ridiculous heat. I wouldn’t mind, but having a knackered disk in my back isn’t too much fun. It’s alright, now I’m seated and playing it as loud as I can. I can associate every record by The Kills with certain points in my life, and since Blood Pressures came out until last Friday it defined certain moments, feelings and people. I fell so heavily in love with that record and to take myself away from it so I could give in to Ash & Ice I thought, would be really hard. I was wrong. Ash & Ice is now defining whatever is going on now- good, bad, average and brilliant. It’s a chaotic safety net.

As I helplessly love this record so, I’ll go through each song. It might be safer for you to just go buy the record and listen to it rather than subject yourself to my ramblings about it.

Doing It To Death: I remember hearing this a couple months ago now, and just playing it over and over again. Something about it just made me realise yet again, why I adore this band. Why they are easily one of the most important bands in my life. There’s something about Jamie and Alison that leaves constantly wanting more and more. I love the line, “Baby lately, the plans we’re making are the shape of things that never come.” It’s a gut feeling that I reckon most feel, but not many want to actually face it. Fuck it. Face it, and carry on.

Heart Of A Dog: Like the above, this ended up being on repeat constantly when I heard it. Every line in this song is apt and if I could every word to this tattooed on my body- I probably would. “It’s life or death why I chew through the chain” is a line that’s just so raw and brutal. I know what it’s like to have parts wander off but for the heart always be loyal. You go back to what you needed in time. It takes time, but you get there. You just need to let it out sometimes, I guess.

Hard Habit To Break: I LOVE the intro to this so much. I think it’s most definitely one of my favourites off the record. Sometimes you’re the bad that someone else wants or needs, and they can take that bad and make it good. In time. I’m pretty sure that this will be amazing to see live, and I’ve seen clips of this where Alison just lets rip and flails her body in ways that if you or I tried to do- we’d end up in hospital. Worth the attempt, right? Pretty cool way to end up in A&E. I love the line “Maybe when the lights fade, maybe it’s my (your/our) mistake.” There’s only so much blame a person can carry before they realise others have played their part too.

Bitter Fruit: At first I just really loved the song. Then I paid close attention to the lyrics and some weird revelation hit me. I can’t decide which lyrics I love the most. It’s between “I gotta save my soul from the bad in you” and “I could pray, but can’t you see the kind of things I pray for are cursing me.” Both are pretty tough lyrics, and easy to identify with. That’s what I love about their songs, they just paint emotions in a way that I never ever could. They take every feeling imaginable and make it something to be proud of- even if it is a truly ugly feeling.

Days Of Why And How: In some ways this reminds me of Rodeo Town, Wait and Baby Says. It’s got that soothing feel to it. I think it has some of the best lyrics on the record: “When I hear your name, it’s a like a freight train. Shake shake shake shake shaking me, off my tracks.” I don’t know if that lyric is for good or bad, but it’s so gorgeous and powerful. I could listen to it forever and not get tired. An impending fear mixed with devotion. That’s just how it goes sometimes.

Let It Drop: I don’t really have much of an opinion on this one, and I think it’s because it’s the one I’ve not really listened to that much. Jamie and Alison have this sound that makes them stand out from everyone else, and I think Let It Drops experiments with this in a really great way. It sounds like they’ve massively pushed themselves with this song, and I think it’ll be one that I end up loving as much as the rest- I just need to stop being attached to other songs on the record to let this one in. However, the line “You’re giving me reasons to turn my teardrops into death threats” is just a gorgeous piece of poetry.

Now, if you have the vinyl copy this is where we take it over to side B.

Hum For Your Buzz: This has that brutal but Blues feel that caused me to first fall heart first in love with them 13 years ago. 13 years ago I heard The Kills and it changed everything for me. Every single time they bring out something new, I just fall more in love with them and I remember exactly what it was that drew me in the first place. Hum For Your Buzz has a beautiful feel of vulnerability surrounding it, and their fearless approach to writing lyrics will always be something I admire and love. “I am a vision you looked for so long at your door sweetheart.” That’s my solid favourite from the song. Subject to change, as ever.

Siberian Nights: The only way to listen to this song is to have to obnoxiously loud. Everything about this just makes you feel like you can overpower any feeling of love or lust a person may have towards you. It’s bold but endearing in its own way. I love the lyric, “I can make you come in threes, I’m halfway to my knees. Am I too close for comfort?” It’s the right kind of filth. The whole song is full of lines that make you feel a bit braver than you are. I guess with lines like “For the tyrants in a rut, I got a love” makes it for us underdogs. I couldn’t imagine getting tired of listening to this song. You pick up different things to love with each listen, and I love their vocals together on this. Check the guitar Jamie uses on this also.

That Love: The Last Goodbye from Blood Pressures probably broke your heart, right? Well, you’re not getting off lightly this time. I read the lyrics to this before I heard it. I’m not sure which is more heartbreaking. However, it’s a song I needed. It’s a song I probably won’t go back and listen to on repeat. It’s a heavy song, emotionally and I think it’ll be a mountain of strength for those who need some form of courage. We all need to be brave at times, there’s no right or wrong time for you to be brave. You just have to do it. I’m not going to pick a line from this, it’s too difficult. Maybe it’s obvious which ones will mean the most. You can’t feel bad for the rest of time.

Impossible Tracks: I adore how menacing this one sounds. It’s got that thumping sound of Future Starts Slow on it, and again, it’s one you need to play insanely loud. “Oh you get what you give, I don’t regret what I did. Well if a real live liar can set you on fire, then don’t you settle for it?” It’s real mean this song, and it makes you feel so tough when you listen to it. I also love the line, “And we hold our smiles inside like we’re holding back the tide.” If I could write something as rebellious as that, I’d be pretty happy. I think this is definitely one of my favourites off the record.

Black Tar: The line, “London’s bloodthirsty” is enough for me to know that I am mad about this song. The imagery in the words is just nothing short of stunning, and it’s just a realisation of why I bloody love The Kills! I’ve never ever doubt my love for them, and I never could. There are just consistently mind-blowing and their lyrics have always been such a huge part of who I am- whoever that may be. Some things you don’t figure out, even when you’re 29. This song makes you want to get in a car, and drive off into the night without looking back.

Echo Home: This has the gentle tones of Baby Says but there is so much sadness in this song. It’s pretty tough to listen to. I’d rather have That Love on repeat than this one because there’s so much overwhelming sadness in it. Every word in this song is just truly gorgeous, and for me this is the one that holds the most weight. It’s the one you play when you miss something/someone that’s been gone for some time. Have hope, because sometimes if the universe doesn’t totally hate you- it all comes back to you again. For me, it’s the line: “And if I take a turn for the worst and I call you on the phone, will you echo home when I call? Won’t you echo back and make it alright.” I know I’m too sensitive for my own good at times, but this line has this wealth of honesty and fragility to it that just breaks your heart. I just adore every single word on this song, and the way Jamie and Alison’s voices fit so perfectly on this song so so much.

Whirling Eye: And now we reach the end of the record with one of the most rowdy songs on the record. I think they’ve saved this one until last so the listener realises they’ve not had enough, and goes back to the start again. The whole song feels like a whirlwind. It sends you into some immense spin that no one can pull you out of. It’s so hypnotic. Alison’s voice on Whirling Eye has this insane urgency to it that makes you feel like you’ve probably joined a cult. If those two are the leaders, sign me up now. It’s definitely a song to make you feel like a total rebel to and it’ll make you want to ditch everyday life and hit the dusty road as fast as you can. Who cares where you go, just get there.

I could have easily summed this all up with saying this is the best record I’ve heard all year or just condensed my love for it. But the thing is, The Kills pull something out of me that nothing else ever has. They hit you with this urgency and this need to get whatever it is inside you all the way out. They have no filter when it comes to doing so, so why should you or I?

 

I will always have a soft spot for Keep On Your Mean Side, No Wow, Midnight Boom and Blood Pressures but with Ash & Ice, I feel like something completely different. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s that feeling of an old friend coming back home, it had been a few years since Blood Pressures and to finally have something new is just a truly great feeling. They could create their own version of the phonebook and I would still be madly in love with it. Sure there are many bands that I feel a connection with, but with The Kills it is this secret connection in my brain bound by their songs that creates this. This doesn’t always happen, and when you feel it, you cling onto it. It’s your own way of getting through the day and slowly, but surely, finding some self-acceptance. Ash & Ice means a lot for a lot of reasons- none of which will be mentioned but all I know is that it is bloody great to have them back.





THE KILLS-Siberian Nights.

25 05 2016

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“I’ll be chargin’ through your dreams.”

 

In just over a week everything will be just fine with the world as Ash & Ice by The Kills will finally be released. I plan on spending the rest of the year in the safety of my bedroom playing it on repeat, all the time. Obviously I’ll go to work. It seems that each record by The Kills comes out at such a vital time. Certain songs mean more at certain points. I can still carry the weight of the meaning in their older songs throughout daily life, and I do. It helps. Some of their songs make me feel alright with whatever I’ve done or said. Life is too short to be careful, or too careful.

The video to Siberian Nights was released yesterday, and I genuinely thought Heart Of A Dog was the song I’d be clinging to and devouring the meaning of it- completely and utterly. As someone who is rarely right, I was wrong in assuming I could cling. Now it’s over to Siberian Nights. The words are bold and to the point. There’s no cover up in the words- it’s direct and the right kind of creepy. For me, it touches on beautifully getting inside a person, having a massive hold on them. But in the same respect, needing that person but as soon as you have them, you’re halfway out the door. Or maybe you realise you need them a whole lot and nothing will make you turn away from them. You’ll posses them with your love, a look and by always being there. In their head.

The intro to the song sounds like a chase, maybe you’d find it being played in a dodgy Spy film. It’s the sinister feel in Alison’s voice in the first verse that really gets you. “I can whip you up like cream. I can drink your sudden tease. Is it too close for comfort? I can make you come in threes.” If I could ever put something like that together, then I’d probably burn all my notebooks. It’s such a powerful line. It’ll make you think of someone, and when you do- you’ll hope they hear. Back of their head, moving to the front. They are yours in all ways imaginable.

There’s a coldness and a comforting cruel tone to it, Jamie makes the guitar sound menacing but Alison’s voice becomes gentle in certain places which eases you. You feel like you’re chasing someone or something. Hunting them down until they admit defeat. Until they fall into a devoted admission towards you. It’s that type of passion and urgency that you find in The Kills all throughout Siberian Nights. It’s got the urgency of Cat Claw and the impending seduction of Last Day Of Magic, and so much more. I think I’m understanding the words more because my sleep pattern is so far from ideal, everything is borderline heightened. I’m so excited for Ash & Ice, and if the three songs we’ve heard so far are anything to go by- then it’s going to be nothing short of genius. However, we all know that Jamie and Alison create nothing less than perfect.

Their chemistry is envied by so many, and not many ever feel anything like that in their lifetime. It’s a mutual understanding that doesn’t require too many words. We all look for that, and when it hits you- you know. Maybe you can relate Siberian Nights to that. It makes you want to torment someone, just to let them know how close to their bones you are. Chances are, they probably won’t mind- it’s just easier to say no to the feeling than it is to go with it.

Siberian Nights is like that transition from lust to love. It’s under 5 minutes of burning, throbbing passion in song form. It’s everything I love about The Kills, plus so much more.





THE KILLS-Heart Of A Dog.

23 05 2016

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“It’s life or death why I chew through the chain.
It don’t matter my love’s the same.
Go so far but never long.”

 

I tried to get out the words out when Heart Of A Dog came out under a month or so ago. I wrote, re-wrote, got annoyed, probably took a nap and left it alone. I think that’s my approach to most things. Good and bad. Go to sleep and hope it’s better/gone by morning. Or just have another nap. Now is the time where I think I can get the words out.

In 2 weeks, I have to let go everything Blood Pressures means to me in order to make room for Ash & Ice. It’s pretty obvious how much Blood Pressures means to me, one or 2 know more than others. It was a record that was a solid crutch during a time where nothing was working out. You know how it is. Songs like The Last Goodbye, Pots and Pans, Wild Charms- they got me out of bed. Baby Says and Future Starts Slow became the songs I lived by. Keep On Your Mean Side, No Wow and Midnight Boom played vital roles in my life at certain times. Their first record is everything to me, but Blood Pressures did something to me that goes beyond words. I wasn’t sure I could let that all go. But then, Doing It To Death happened, and I had this feeling that the new record was going to do something special. However, Heart Of A Dog happened and it was like Alison and Jamie yet again got in my head and unleashed it all. Lazy emotions brought to life by two strangers. What else can you do but let them suck you in.

I love how Jamie again gives us that machine gun sound. He’s aiming for you and Alison’s words are the bullets. They fire out these phrases that smack you right in the gut, and you start to question where you’ve been placing your thoughts. You really thought nobody had heard a peep. But they did. For me, there are a couple of lines that truly mean a hell of a lot to me for their own reasons. I don’t need to get really into it, and the words do speak for themselves. “I need you. Don’t ask me why it is. I want strings – attached. Unnatural as it feels.” Hand on heart, I wish I wrote that line. I wish I had it in me to write something as brutally honest and as raw as that. We’ve all felt that way at least once. It’s a strange feeling to posses, especially when “needing” something or someone stumps you. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it truly stays with you. It goes from the back of your head to the front. Who knows what will happen.

If anything, I can fully relate to having the loyalty and heart of a dog. I’m probably as daft as one too. I always have this urge to wander off, but I know where home is. I think? If you feel something in your heart, then I always think you should go with it. That’s what I get from Heart Of A Dog, and it’s been one of the few songs I’ve had on repeat constantly recently. There’s something about the aggression in Jamie’s guitar and the delicate fury in Alison’s voice that makes me relate.

Another part of the song that really hits home is: “I get lost. But I always come around. It’s a strange fear, allows me to be found.” The wanderer will always return, and even amidst the fuck ups, honesty comes out. It has to. Sometimes you need someone to know what you’ve done, even if you’re cowering in shame. It happens to us all. Even if you’re not loyal to something or someone, you’ve probably got yourself into that kind of state. You’re always there even if you’re hiding yourself away. All it takes is one person to see through that. You’ll get there.

Although the song does sound aggressive, the lyrics are pretty vulnerable. The admission of feeling a certain way and letting the person know. Fuck..that can be massively scary and we all feel it. But it takes one person to pull out an honesty within us that other people have tried and do try to push down in us. Don’t let them win, I guess. Heart Of A Dog takes everything I love about Jamie and Alison, and out comes this 3 minute and 46 seconds worth of brutal honesty.

I’m completely and utterly ready for 3rd June. I’m ready for Ace & Ice to take over my life, to become some recluse that only wants to listen to this record and nothing else. We all need a band that has a hold on us. A band that gives us our own reality because nothing else will do.